Ariana Grande - Break Free - Live on the Honda Stage at the iHeartRadio Theater LA
So, most people know that I’m not necessarily the biggest ariana fan, but driving home from the beach tonight this song came on and it just hit me.
Drugs & booze were the loves of my life. More than any person. They were there on my good days, on my bad days, on my okay days. They comforted me when I was scared, they kept me warm when I was cold, they made me laugh. They were always down for whatever: dancing until 5am, lazy days, movie marathons, traveling, binge watching netflix, dinner parties, house parties. They were there when no one else was.
And like any great love, they tested me. They asked, “how far will you go for me?” and I said “there are no boundaries I wont cross. I will do anything for you.” And I proved that over and over and over again. When they disappeared on me I screamed and said “I’ll search until I find you. I love you. I wont let you go.”
But things got abusive. I got obsessive. They beat me until I was covered in bruises, until I was ashamed and terrified to get out of bed. But I didnt think I could live without them. I couldn’t say no to them, no matter how many times I swore I would. I tried to remember the good times but they got farther and farther away. The nights of fun and laughter became nights of unbearable loneliness and sobbing that shook my soul.
I would have died for them. And I almost did.
I never thought I’d see the day when I would say that I was done. But here I am and I am so much better for saying goodbye. Things are far from perfect - as hard as I chased whiskey and benzos, I’m running after my recovery and some days I get tired, run down and discouraged. But I miss them less and less every single day. And I know, without any doubt, that I do not need them.
And this song, in its own sickeningly poppy way, is the perfect anthem.
[This is the part when I say I dont want you. Im stronger than I’ve been before.]